Good Man VS Nice Guy
Today I read an article over at Return of Kings titled How Being Beta Can Make You More Attractive.
I thought it was a good article that made some very valid points about woman finding acts of kindness attractive in a man they already have a relationship with.
The author uses specific examples from his life to illustrate this:
- A neighbor in his apartment building some years ago had fallen and the author helped him back to his apartment. They later talked and became friends. On one occasion the neighbor happened to stop by the author’s apartment while he had a girl over. He then proceeded to talk up the author and his character.
- He had a picture with a group he volunteered with at a homeless shelter. A girl noticed it and commented on it.
- His sister and brother-in-law visited him for Christmas one year and he volunteered to watch their three children so they could go out and enjoy the nightlife. A girl stopped by while he was watching the kids and commented on how good he was with them.
In all three of these examples the women became extremely attracted and started to cook and clean more. Basically trying to demonstrate they were long term relationship material.
What was more interesting than the article however were the comments. A lot of people didn’t seem to understand the article stating things like:
Being beta gets a man nowhere.
Wtf is this shit? Can you please proof read these article in case of gayness before they are published.
There should never be any “Beta game”….ever. Be a man. Don’t lower yourself to such gimmicks. If you’re alpha and confident, you’re fine. Only the fat cock-blocker will dislike you.
I’m not reading this. I don’t come here to read BETA advice. Keep this up and I’m out for good.
It seems that there was a big dividing line in the comments of this sections, with people not even reading the article because it advocated “beta” traits and people who read it and understood what the author was getting at.
Mainly that being a good person can be attractive to women.
Throughout this discussion it seemed to me people associated any acts of kindness or good deed to be a “beta” move that only a “nice guy” would do. They thought that any kindness would get you instantly friendzoned and kill your chances with women. And therefore you needed to be confident, assertive, and above all avoid those beta traits like the plague.
But that statement is just blatantly false. I cannot think of a single person who would prefer to hang out with a selfish asshole over someone who is kind if all things are equal. Everyone likes being around people that are positive and make them feel good.
I know I’d rather hang out with a guy who would help an old lady with her groceries, or an old man climb the stairs. I’d be proud to count as my friend the guy who stood up to bullies as a kid, who volunteers his time to watch his sister’s kids every once in a while just because he wants to.
I want to be around people that are kind and decent. People who don’t just walk all over everyone in their lives because they feel entitled. Or people who refuse to show any form of kindness for fear of being labeled weak. Or even worse because they think it won’t get them laid so there is no reason to do it.
I want to be around kind people.
Being Kind VS Being Nice
Now there is a difference between kindness and niceness. The best definition I’ve ever heard was:
“Being kind is giving people what the need, being nice is giving people what they want and expecting a reward.”
This perfectly delineates the difference between a nice guy and a good man.
A nice guy does things because he expects to be rewarded for it. He helps a girl move, makes her dinner, drops his plans at a moment’s notice just to listen to her complain all night about her boyfriend. All the while thinking he loves her and not understanding why he’s just a friend. After all he’s done so much for her, he deserves her love. But the nice guy is too much of a coward to ever say NO to her for fear of ruining his chances with her. It never has anything to actually do with her, it’s all about his desire to get in her pants. He will twist it any way he wants but in the end he only wants something from her and will do whatever he thinks he needs to do to get it.
This is the same with everyone else in his life. He can’t say NO to anyone. He helps people and does what they want because he’s either too afraid or wants something out of it.
The Good man on the other hand is kind at times. He will help someone out because it’s the right thing to do and he knows they need it. Does that mean he stops on the side of the road every time someone has a flat tire? No of course not, everyone should know how to change a tire. But if the guy in the parking stall next to him needs a jump, then why wouldn’t you help him out It takes five minutes tops and doesn’t take much work. He will sacrifice his time for people he cares about because he cares about them. Not because he expects a favor down the road (though I wouldn’t turn one down if it’s given).
But that doesn’t mean he is a pushover who can’t tell people NO when he has other plans or just flat out doesn’t want to do something. Remember kindness is giving people what they need, not what they want.
Kindness comes from a place of genuine care and thoughtfulness, not from a desire to gain. And people can easily pick up on this. It’s easy (for the most part) to spot of kiss ass or a sleazy person. They generally leave a bad taste in your mouth (except for strippers, they are very nice).
What Does That Mean With Women?
This is pretty easy to figure out.
Nice Guys finish last, simple as that. It’s been said all over and everyone knows it. No quality woman wants a man who is manipulative and weak. Who will sell her and anyone else out at the drop of a hat if he can gain more than he lost (that is if he has the balls). She doesn’t want a guy who won’t defend himself or his family. A guy who has no virtue or principles. She doesn’t want a shadow of a man.
Girls like a bad boy. They like the asshole. They want to be excited and taken for a ride. They want a man who is strong, confident, powerful, and aggressive. A man willing to get in a fight, who will argue, and set boundaries. She loves the bad boy because he won’t be controlled. He does what he wants and if she doesn’t like it then she can leave.
But I don’t think this portrayal of the bad boy is mutually exclusive to being a good man. I think all those qualities above can be intertwined with a man of principles and decency. A man who will help those weaker than himself when the need arises.
You see I think being a bad boy is a better way to live than being a nice guy. You get the girl more often than not, you have the ability to set boundaries. You are just a plain healthier emotionally and physically.
But I don’t think it is the endgame to strive for. Being a bad boy or asshole is just so childish to me. You do what you want when you want and to hell with anyone else. Yeah you get the girl, but you throw her away whenever you want, you lie to people, you cheat. You do whatever you want as long as you gain from it. you’re basically the nice guy after he found his balls again.
*note I’m not saying sleeping with as many women as you can is a bad thing. Nor am I saying you have to be sensitive to their feelings at a detriment to yourself. Just that a little morality goes a long way.
Better to embrace your humanity and share in the human experience by caring about those around you. Not all of them, there are far too many people for that. But some. You should have your own little tribe you would die for. And you should have some common decency.
I think that’s where the good man really shines. Yes he might not bang as many girls as the bad boy (I don’t consider that to be the apex of masculinity). But having those people around you that you can count on, who can count on you, and who all live by a shared set of values and standards is what separates the men form the boys. Being the one to take responsibility for your people and leading them to the best of your ability is what makes a good man.
So if you want to get all the pussy you can handle then go ahead and be an asshole or a bad boy. It’s perfectly fine,its 100x better that being a nice guy that’s for sure.
But for me I’d rather be a good man and have a good impact on the people around me (obviously on my own terms, not what society deems makes a good man). Doing kind deed for other people, not because I feel obligated or because I want something. Simple because I want to and it would benefit those around me.
And I know this didn’t stay on topic with the discussion of Beta game. But I’ll leave you with this video.
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The man described in that video is undoubtable a hard man, but a good man. And not in the least bit beta.
No matter how much the nice guys of the world try to masquerade as being kind. Kindness will never be a beta trait.